Last night as I was driving home, I heard an explosion and the whap-whap-whap of a deflated tire.  I immediately pulled to the shoulder and then spent an hour on a dark overpass on southbound Interstate-35W (that's the main super highway that spans the central United States stretching from Laredo, Texas, on the American-Mexican border to Duluth, Minnesota, at Minnesota Highway 61 and 26th Avenue East).  I naturally called AAA to change the tire because I had resolved last year never to change another one (that's another story that shall never be spoken of because it's fever dream material and I'm still recovering).  I was honored by a special invitation to become a member of that fine organization as well as the National Geographic Society  (just one of the many perks that comes from being special as Mum used to say---no not that kind of special--stop it Middle!!!).

 

But I digress.  My call was directed to Tiffany in the Los Angeles AAA call center.  Her job was to locate me on a computer map, dispatch a local AAA tow truck to my exact coordinates and remain on the line as long as necessary to be sure things go well. 

 

She said because of the highway shoulder location danger she also notified the police so they could put out warning lights (they did not show up--just where are they when you want them? Ha, JK officer).

 

Tiffany talked for a good 45 minutes telling me about her schooling, AAA training and how she was actually FROM L.A. (Yes, born and raised there), though she had never been to Beverly Hills or Venice Beach! She even told me in a perky and upbeat way, "I’m a graduate of Cal State" deflecting my attention from the delay and from worrying about the danger. 

 

When the tow truck arrived, it was actually a big pickup truck full of equipment and with big flashing lights on the roof. I had been assuming it would be a real man's greasy and dirty tow truck because I thought with all the danger, there was a good reason to get the car off the roadside before the tire change. Apparently, there was no towing planned though the AAA driver said another pickup was on the way to park behind him to shield us from any incident arising from the plethora of Mazerati racers passing us every half second in four separate high speed lanes (slower traffic on the right--yeah, if slower means 70 mph!).
 

Anyway, when he first arrived, the AAA guy said, "A SUPERHIGHWAY SHOULDER ON AN OVERPASS IN THE DARK JUST PAST THE CREST OF THE HILL IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE TO HAVE CHANGE A FLAT, OR TO EVEN SIT IDLY." 

 

Yes, he was speaking in all capital letters (he had to because of the !!TRAFFIC NOISE!!). People and trucks flying by ninety-to-nothin' lickity split, or have I already mentioned that (why are we all in such a hurry?).
 

I can now understand how, as the AAA guy shouted: "FOUR HUNDRED THIRTY FIVE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED IN THE LAST YEAR IN ACCIDENTS INVOLVING CARS SITTING ON THE SHOULDER."
 

To put me more at ease as we stood on the 8 foot wide highway shoulder next to 4 lanes of high speed traffic he added: "I PARKED BEHIND YOU AND TURNED MY WHEELS TOWARD THE CEMENT OVERPASS WALL IN CASE SOMEONE PLOWS INTO THE BACK OF ME. THAT SHOULD SLOW THINGS DOWN SO YOU CAN GET OUT OF THE WAY!!"
 

That was indeed consoling, and I remained calmly hyper vigilant as I stood on the elevated overpass and ALL CAPS dragged up a huge industrial sized jack and that has to be the reason he was willing to put his hands in the wheel well (the exact location of my fever dreams since the incident of which we shall not speak!).  He even straddled the tire with his legs under the car to help stabilize it.  He was taking risks, which the incident of which we shall never speak taught me never to take.  I was ready to return to the car and talk with Tiffany from L.A.

 

Well I couln't return to the car.  It was elevated.  So, because of the apparent danger, AAA’s warnings, and the risk of a fever dream while standing there on the overpass, I began mapping-out the three best avenues of escape in the event of an incident.

 

Let's see, if a car plowed into the AAA pickup and then into mine then, just like the kid in the YouTube video I could jump up onto the hood and run along the top of the car in the opposite direction the car was moving until it stopped or I cleared it. Yeah that could work.  I think Johnny what's his name did that in a Jackass movie.  Or he should have. 

 

Then, there is the Matthew McCannahey move where he leapt over the overpass wall to the street below.  I was well-positioned for that gambit, but of course it only works when a bus is passing by underneath, otherwise the overpass is too high. Got to get the timing just right.

 

And, there’s always Monty Python’s admonition when the creature from the cave attacked (remember the cave with the inscription about he "Castle of ARRRRRGGGGGGHHH" when the BUNNY RABBIT with the long pointy teeth attacked?).  MP's advice: "RUN AWAY!"

 

Fortunately, I never had to chose among my several options, though I did keep my eye out for a bus.  No escape was required.  AAA changed the tire without incident and we all evacuated the narrow confines of the 8 foot wide shoulder.  Before driving off, I offered my nameless AAA driver my hand to shake and slipped him a bill for his efforts.  I called Tiffany, my new LA friend to advise her all was well and went home.

 

Epilog (or out-takes):

 

Did you know when a 18 wheeler drives across an overpass it shakes the bridge like an earthquake. It really does! My California friend asked me with just a little attitude "Have you ever even been in an earthquake?"  Well . . . . no but I'm sure overpass shaking is part of it!

And, have you ever been driving along the interstate and been perturbed by a traffic slowdown caused by a car on the shoulder?  I have, and I've been loath to overlook the deplorable interest that other drivers manifest in someone else’s troubles (they slow down to a creep causing a huge traffic jam while rubber necking to get a good look at the problem).  I'll say now, when it was me on the shoulder, I actually wished the drivers would slow down and rubberneck a little. I’ll be more observant in the future.